Cuts And Kisses
by sansarae.jones
Summary: A few years after the end of the game, John, Karkat, and Dave end up living together. John's dad's death is still weighing over his shoulders and he's starting to feel down. When he turns to the blade for comfort, what will the others do to save him? TW: Cutting and Depression. JohnDave, Johnkat
1. Cuts

**A/N: Mine and my (probably soon to be) ex-girfriend's 4 month mark is tomorrow, so I decided to write some sadstuck. Enjoy the artistic juices of my misery *bows***

**Oh and for the sake of making sense, his birthday is in the middle of June, not in April.**

John couldn't take it anymore. His Dad had died because of his choice to play that stupid game. And now that the game was over, he felt so alone. Sure he went out wit his troll and human friends a lot, but more and more lately he seemed to linger in the back of the group, his shoulders sagging and a frown on his face as he stared blankly at the carpet.

He walked through the empty house, glancing around at the mess of smuppets and troll romcom posters. The place was decent enough. It was one story, and had 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. John walked by Karkat's door and a ghost of a smile came on his face at the giant piece of paper that read:

KARKAT'S ROOM  
KEEP THE FUCK OUT STRIDER

John walked past it into the kitchen. He didn't exactly know what he was looking for but he would know it when he saw it. He pulled open the fridge, and shut it almost instantly. He was never hungry anymore. He walked around the kitchen, opening and closing every cabinet and drawer until he came upon the one that held the scissors.

He slowly pulled them out, his gaze transfixed on the silver as the light shines off it. He laces his fingers through the handle and separates the two blades, a slight shiver going down as a light _shhhhink _sounds. These must be a new pair, perfect.

He holds them for a minute, debating his decision. It's the middle of summer, which means short sleeves and shorter hours for Dave. If he doesn't want Dave asking questions, he'll have to hide his...aha! John runs to his room and shuts the door, sitting on the bed with an _umph._

Slowly, he pulled up his shorts to reveal pale thighs in the dim light. He had never done this before, but he heard somewhere that it makes you feel good. Nervously he opened the scissors again and dragged one of the blades across his thigh. He lets out a very faint hiss and pulls the scissors away, surveying his leg. Crimson blood begins to pool over the cut and suddenly John feels a little of the black clouds over him begin to move away. He smiles and brings the blade back down to his leg, cutting again and again, each time feeling a little lighter as the unseen force is lifted from his shoulders.

After both of his thighs are cut up and he's stopped the bleeding, he hears the door open and close as Dave comes home from work.

"Hey John, I'm back...You awake?" He calls through the house. John quickly shove the blood stained towel under his bed and Dave opens the door. John smiles up at him, hoping Dave can't somehow read his mind. Dave takes a few steps in and looks around the neat room. They usually don't go into each other's rooms so this was rare for Dave to see it up close. He shook his head and turned to John.

"So how was your day? Or did you just wake up?" John rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"I actually got up not too long ago... Say, what's for dinner?" Dave let out a small sigh and sat on John's bed, shifting it and making John's thighs burn as he tensed up.

"Ask Karkat when he gets back, it's his turn to make dinner today." John smiles at him cheerfully, nodding his head.

"Okay!"

~Raeeeeeeeee~

Karkat slams the door behind him and leaves behind a trail of curses as he makes his way to his room. John gets up and heads for Karkat's door, knocking lightly.

"The FUCK do you want?" John cringes before replying.

"I just- can I come in?" Karkat sighs at the other side of the door before muttering, "Fine, come in." John opens the door slowly and enters Karkat's room. All along the walls are romcom posters, just like outside. His sickles are in one corner, looking like he just threw them there, and his- what did he call it? A recupracoon?- was along the far wall. "Well?" John turns to Karkat. "What the fuck do you want Egbert?" John takes a few more steps into the room so he is in front of the troll. "I just...uhm... What's for dinner?"

Karkat lets out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his temples. "Whatever I decide to fucking cook. It's not even time for dinner so why the fuck does it matter?" John looks at the ground, "Uhm... I guess it doesn't, sorry." He leaves the room, careful to shut the door behind him.

Today was John's birthday, but it seemed no one remembered. He didn't care though, he was used to it. He numbly walked back to his room, shutting the door almost inaudibly. He sat heavily on his bed and took the scissors he hid under his covers to examine them. The blade had a little blood on it, and he just stared unseeing at the red on silver until he heard a knock at the door. He put the scissors back under his blanket quickly.

"Come in." He said flatly. Dave walked in looking a little embarassed. He sat next to John and looked at him, John giving him a nervous glance. He was sitting right on the scissors, but Dave didn't seem to notice. "I just looked at my calendar and saw it's your birthday..." He rubbed the back of his neck, looking anywhere but at John. "Yeah, and...?" John inquired. He stared at his palms in his lap.

"If you want to go out to dinner, I can talk to Karkat for you..." He looked at John questioningly. John made eye contact with him, giving him a fake smile that hurt his chest. "Sure, that'd be fun." Dave got up and started to the door. "Cool, and I'll call the others to come over too." John just nodded as Dave closed the door, leaving to talk to Karkat. Within minutes he heard arguing coming from Karkat's room. He got up and headed for his door, putting an ear to the wall. He only caught parts of the conversation.

"We don't have the fucking money for anything special right now you ass."

"Come on, it's the guys birthday."

"No Dave, we don't have the fucking money."

"But what if I-"

"No, you already have two jobs, you don't need a third." It was true. Dave had two jobs. In the day he worked at a coffee shop, and at night he was a DJ at a club. Karkat worked at a library all day, which was ironic considering how loud he could be. John was the only one without a job. Dave was being overprotective of him, saying that he could take as much time as he want and he didn't need a job. He was convinced that John's dad's death was still affecting him, which was true.

John knocked on the door and the shouting stopped. He opened the door and looked at the ground as he said quietly, "We don't have to go out, I'm fine doing nothing." Dave turned to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "No bro, we're celebrating your birthday." He turned to Karkat, "Is that clear?" Karkat just huffed and turned back to his laptop. "Sure, whatever. Just don't come complaining to me when the bills come and we can't fucking pay for the place."

John looked from Karkat to Dave, and then fixed his glance at the ground. "I can get a job too..." Dave just hugged him, saying into his ear, "No you don't. You don't need a job. We're okay. Okay?" John just nodded and Dave let him go. Karkat was grimacing at them when John looked. John turned to leave the room but was stopped when Dave caught his wrist. He turned around to see Dave glancing at him over his shades, worry in his ruby eyes. "Hey Egbert, are you okay?" John faked a smile and replied, "Yeah, I'm fine, just a little tired." Karkat got out of his seat and walked over to them. "Are you sure dumbass? You don't look okay to me." John just nodded and released his hand from Dave's grip, heading back to his room and shutting the door softly. Dave and Karkat shared a worried look and glanced back at John's door. He definitely wasn't okay.


	2. Party Time

**A/N: I should've put this in the last chapter but you nooksuckers know I don't own Homestuck. So yeah, that's my disclaimer. Anyways, enjoy the new chapter.**

John jumps slightly at the knock on his door and walks over to open it, seeing Karkat, he lets him in and the two sit on his bed. "Look, I know something's bothering you. I won't push you to tell me, but I just want you to know that you can talk to me anytime okay?" John was stunned. Karkat was never this quiet, or caring for that matter. He looked at the troll to see his eyes filled with concern. "Okay, thanks Karkat." He just nods and gets up, leaving John to think over what he said.

John wants to tell them what's wrong. He hates lying to his friends, but for some reason he feels this isn't something he can make better just by talking about it. He let out a sigh, sitting back on his bed. He looked around his room, feeling it grow smaller by the second. He closed his eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh and falling onto the bed. Before he knew it, he was asleep.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

John woke with a start, hearing a knock on his door. "Come on John, we gotta go if we're going to make it on time." Came Dave's muffled voice on the other side of the door. John got up, stretching as he walked over to the door. He opened it to find Dave in a nice button-up shirt and black jeans. "Oh...Should I change?" Dave looked him up and down. He was wearing a blue shirt with his God Tier symbol and faded grey shorts. "Nah, you can dress however you want, it's your birthday." John nodded and followed him out to the living room, where Karkat was waiting impatiently on the couch.

"So I just called Kanaya, her and Rose are on their way now and should get there about the same time as us. Gamzee and Tavros just left, and Sollux and Feferi are already there." Karkat got up off the couch and Dave pulled out his phone, "What about Jade and the others?" Karkat grimaced and pulled out his own phone. "Equius and Nepeta are hitching a ride with Eridan. Terezi and the other humans are all taking the same car and just left as well." He addressed John, "Now come on or we're going to be fucking late to your own party."

John just blushed slightly and grabbed Dave's hand. "Oh yeah. Come on."

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

By the time they got there, most of their friends were waiting outside the doors. The traffic was bad, making Karkat swear at nearly ever car he saw. John just sat in the front shoosh papping him and Dave sat in the back rolling his eyes.

When they got close enough, they were met with smiles and waves, and Jade walked up and hugged all of them. Rose walked up and hugged John and Dave. "It's been a while, hasn't it?" Kanaya walked up behind them and smiled at John. "It has, how've you been?" John asked. Kanaya and Rose entwined their hands and looked at each other smiling. "Oh, We've been well, and you?" John just looked at Dave and Karkat nervously before replying, "It's been okay..."

With a wave from Dave, they all flooded into the restaurant. Dave talked to the lady at the front pedestal and sat next to John on one of the benches. He looked over at John, "She said it's about a 15 minute wait." John just nodded silently, glancing around at all of his friends talking. He looked over at the pedestal and was surprised to see she was a troll. Then again, it wasn't that surprising. The new universe they were in had trolls and humans together.

15 minutes later, they were directed to a table near the back of the restaurant. The table was big, but they had to grab another to fit everyone. As soon as everyone was seated, they started conversing loudly. John looked around at his friends, He sat in the middle of one side, Dave on his left, Karkat on his right. Jade sat across from him in between Nepeta and Feferi, who were sitting next to Equius and Sollux. Rose sat next to Dave, and Kanaya next to her. Next to Karkat was Gamzee and Tavros. Next to Sollux, Jake, Dirk, Jane, and Roxy all sat together, the boys facing the girls. At the end of the table, was Aradia, and on the other end sat Terezi.

John let out an inaudible sigh as a waiter walked over to them and got everyone's order. A few minutes later he walked away, and the conversation continued. John felt something on his thigh and looked down to see Dave's hand. Without thinking, he entwined their fingers. He wasn't sure how he felt about Dave yet, but it was nice to have some contact from someone when he felt this lonely. Dave smiled at him and he smiled back. Dave leaned over the table slightly and shouted something at Terezi, who just stuck her tongue out in response. Dave and John laughed.

John looked over at Karkat, who was talking to Gamzee, no doubt having a 'feelings jam'. Jade was talking to Feferi and Nepeta about cats or something. Before he knew it, the food had arrived and the conversations settled down to the occasional comment or laugh. At some point during the meal, someone ordered John a piece of cake, and the waiter brought it out after everyone had finished. It had a blue candle in it, and everyone started singing happy birthday. John didn't hear them though, he just took his hand back from Dave and shut his eyes. When everyone finished, he opened his eyes and blew out the candle. Everyone cheered loudly and laughed when the candle ignited again.

John just sighed and blew it out again, grimacing when it lit back up. He blew it out again and let out a cry of anger when it lit back up again. He picked up the plate and threw the cake across the restaurant, and everything went silent. John just stood there breathing heavily, and everyone stared at him in disbelief. He was never one to get that mad. John looked around at the others and nearly knocked his chair over trying to leave.

He didn't stop until he reached the car, only realizing then that Karkat had the keys. He turned around to find himself face-to-face with Dave, who grabbed him by the shoulders after taking his shades off. He looked John in the eyes, and his intense gaze made John squirm.

"Hey man, what's up with you? You're starting to act like Karkat..." John looked at the ground, trying to come up with an answer. "John." He looked up to see Karkat walking towards them, followed by Rose and Jade. Jade just gave him a wordless hug and Rose looked at him sympathetically. For some reason this bothered him, he felt like he didn't deserve their attention. Suddenly he wanted to have the scissors in his hand again. He looked at Dave. "Uhm... Can we go home now?" Dave looked at Karkat questioningly. "Yeah, I already paid the bill. But we should at least say goodbye to everyone and let them know you're okay."

They walked back into the restaurant and all of his friends were looking at him expectantly. He said goodbye quickly, not wanting to talk to anyone and left with Dave and Karkat in tow.

**A/N: well I feel awful. Its officially our 4 months... anyways idk if ill be posting another chapter today, so ill see you all tomorrow.**


	3. Sex

**A/N: So I'm not really paying attention to what I'm writing, so if you see an error just tell me and I'll get it fixed ASAP!**

When they got home, John went straight to his room, shutting the door loudly, not caring about the noise. Karkat and Dave shared a look and went to John's room. Dave knocked on the door but there was no response. Dave slowly opened the door to find John on his laptop. He had headphones on and he was facing away from them. Dave walked into the room followed by Karkat. Karkat tapped John's shoulder, making the boy jump.

John turned around and was surprised to find both Dave and Karkat in his room. He took his headphones off. "What do you guys want?" It came out harsher than he meant and he cringed. Karkat just brushed it off and responded, "We know you're not okay. Please talk to us?" John looked at Dave to see the concern on his face. He sighed and turned around fully, setting his laptop to the side. "I've just been thinking about my Dad a lot lately. That's all." He looked at the ground, hoping they would accept his answer. Dave and Karkat made eye contact and turned back to John. Dave sat next to him on his bed and put a hand on his back. "Are you sure that's it? Because you know you can tell us anything." John nodded without looking up and Karkat quietly left the room.

When Karkat left, Dave scooted closer to John, wrapping his arm around the boy's shoulders. "Come on, I know that's not it." John felt a sense of dread and turned to look at Dave. His hair was a little messy; he had probably been running his hand through it before he came in. His eyes were intense and he could see them through Dave's shades, they were so close. He looked down at his lips, they were so soft. Before he knew what he was doing, he was kissing Dave, one hand in his hair, the other on his chest.

At first Dave didn't do anything, he just stared at John wide eyed. Then he allowed his eyes to close and kissed back. He put his arms around John's waist and he pulled him closer until they were flush against each other. They slowly started to fall back on John's bed, never breaking the kiss. Dave was on top, and started to reach a hand up under John's shirt. John let out a soft moan which was muffled by the kiss. Dave smirked and started running his hand along John's chest, pulling his shirt up and exploring him with both of his hands.

John brought his other hand up to Dave's hair and ran his fingers along his blonde locks. John arched his back when Dave found a nipple, twisting it and flicking it. John let out a moan and broke the kiss to breathe. Dave started kissing his jaw, working his way down and occasionally stopping to bite or suck on his pale skin. He bit John's collar bone teasingly and John arched into his touch as Dave ran his hands along his stomach. John moved his hands to lift up Dave's shirt and he pulled it over his head, throwing it across the room. He started to run his hands along his chest, coming down to his pants and playing with the hem, making Dave grip him and kiss him more intensely. Dave moved so he was strateling John's hips and started to suck on his chest.

John started to undo Dave's pants and pulled them down to his ankles. Dave squirmed until they fell off, hitting the floor as Dave came back up to capture John's lips in another kiss. John wrapped his arms around Dave's chest and pulled him closer. Dave started unbuttoning John's pants and pulled them off, never breaking the kiss. Jphn tensed up for a second, remembering the cuts he had on his thighs but was broken away from his thoughts when Dave started playing with John's boxers, lightly pulling on the elastic before bringing his hand up to John's face. John bucked his hips and Dave laughed, breaking the kiss and moving down to John's boxers. He pulled down his boxers and licked at his member, making John moan. He smiled and put the whole length in his mouth, moving up and down, occasionally using his teeth to make John gasp.

John bucked his hips and Dave started moving faster. "ahh...ahhh. Nhhh... Dave." Dave smiled and licked the tip, making John squirm. "D-Dave...I'm gonna...aaahhhh!" John came in Dave's mouth and he swallowed all of it, coming back up to John's face and creating another kiss. John started to shakily take off Dave's boxers as the kiss continued, getting deeper and more hungry. Dave licked at John's lips and he opened his mouth. Immediately Dave's tongue started to explore John's mouth, eliciting another moan from the other boy. John and Dave fought for dominance, their tongues dancing around each other. Dave broke the kiss to look around John's room.

"Where do you keep the..." John pointed to his bedside table, and Dave grabbed the lotion. He came back and took John's mouth in another kiss as he prepared to enter John. He positioned himself over John's entrance before remembering to prepare him. He quickly put some lotion on his fingers and stuck the first in. "God John... You're so tight..." John writhed around on the bed, slightly uncomfortable, trying to get used to the feeling of something inside him as Dave slipped in another finger and began to scissor them. John let out a slight moan and gripped the sheets as Dave put in a third finger. When he was sure John was prepared, he pulled out the fingers, earning a whimper from the boy. Dave laughed lightly and positioned himself over John's entrance.

He looked at John and he nodded, signaling he was ready. Dave pushed in slowly, and John let out a small cry. It hurt, but it felt good at the same time. He arched his back and Dave started a steady rhythm, pulling out and thrusting back in, making John cry out in pleasure. He didn't care if Karkat heard them, he wasn't even thinking of the troll as his vision went white hot with pleasure. After a few minutes they were both breathing heavily and Dave bent down to kiss John. John slid his tongue in Dave's mouth and the kiss quickly grew hurried. He licked Dave's tongue playfully and explored his partner's mouth.

"J-John, I'm... Ahhhh~!" Dave came inside John and John shivered, his insides filling with warmth. Dave fell beside him smiling, trying to catch his breath. John looked at him with his goofy grin and said, "Let's not tell Karkat about this." Dave just laughed and responded, "I have a feeling he already knows, you were pretty loud John." He said winking. John blushed and hit Dave in the shoulder playfully. "I-I was not!" Dave wrapped an arm around John and laughed. "Sure you weren't."

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

In the kitchen, Karkat was beat red, trying not to listen to the sounds that John and Dave were making in his room. _It's not what you're thinking, they're not having sex. They're just... Fighting over something... _He knew it wasn't true, but it was better than admitting the...slightly disturbing and depressing truth. The noises stopped and a few minutes later the two came out, fully clothed but their hair a mess. "He-" John cleared his throat. "Hey Karkat." He said with a smile, as if he hadn't just heard the two having sex. "Hey Egbert..." Karkat refused to make eye contact, this was so embarrassing. "Wanna watch a movie?" Dave started making his way to the living room. "Sure! Can we-"

"We're not watching Con Air... Or anything with Nic Cage." Karkat snickered and followed the two into the living room.


	4. Nightmares

John woke up to see the credits of the movie they were watching scrolling by. He had fallen asleep on Karkat's shoulder, and at some point he and Dave had started holding hands. He sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looked at the time from the clock on the wall; 12:34. He stood up, putting a hand on Dave's shoulder. Dave woke up with a start and stared at John, smiling slightly through his shades. "Come on, we need to go to bed..." He glanced at Karkat and shook his head; it was never a good idea to wake up Karkat. He grabbed Dave's hand, earning a smile from the other as he dragged him out of the room.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

When Karkat finally woke up, it was well into the day. He swore and started to get ready for the day. He checked the clock on the wall. He was late! He rushed out the door without even saying anything to John and went off to work.

John woke up about an hour later, wondering around the quiet house looking for something to do. He tidied up here and there, and by noon he had nothing to do, so he returned to his room. He opened his laptop, sitting at his desk and opened his Pesterchum. The only one on was his friend Jade, so he decided to pester her.

- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 12:08 - -

EB: hey Jade!

GG: Hey John! :D

EB: whats up?

GG: oh not much, just watching movies, what about you?

EB: I have nothing to do! Im sooooooooo bored DX

GG: hehehe well you wont be bored for long.

EB:...why?

GG: ooohhh, youll know soon enough ;)

- gardenGnostic ]GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:10 - -

John shut his laptop, pondering over what Jade had said. He sat on his bed, pulling out the scissors from yesterday. Just as he was about to cut his thigh again, he heard a _ping! _From his laptop. He moved back to his desk and opened his laptop to see who was pestering him.

- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:14 - -

TG: Hey John

TG: you there?

TG: yo

TG: Egbert

EB: Im here!

EB: whats up?

TG: Im going to be a little late from work today

TG: will you be okay on your own a little while longer?

EB: yeah ill be fine

EB: thanks for telling me

TG: later

EB: see ya

- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:16 - -

John sat there staring at the chat for a few minutes before he heard the door slam and a string of curses filled the house. John got up off the bed and went to the front of the house. He saw Karkat and walked up to greet him. "Hey Karkat. So I was looking through the kitchen for something to make for dinner tonight and I need to go to the store! What do you feel like having tonight? Dave said he's going to be late coming home so it looks like it might just be you and me." Karkat grimaced at him and replied, "I don't care, whatever the fuck you feel like cooking."

Karkat pushed past John and his smile was instantly replaced by a frown. "Okay," He said quietly, "I'm going to head to the store now." He grabbed the keys and headed out the door before Karkat could say anything. He sat staring at the door before he turned around and headed for John's room, something was up, and he was determined to find out what.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

John walked through the store quietly, thinking to himself. As he walked, he got some stuff for dinner and grabbed some gushers. _Never forget the gushers. _He told himself. He went to the checkout and the cashier smiled at him. He smiled back, but it was fake. It seemed she could tell because she looked him in the eyes and said, "What's wrong?" John was just about to speak when she interrupted. "Oh I hope that wasn't nosy! I'm sorry!" John laughed, "No, you're okay. I've just been... Stressed lately... Is all." She sighed lighhtly and continued ringing him up. "Oh is that so? I'm sorry. Hopefully things get better for you sir. Remember, don't let them take away your sparkle~! That'll be $20.18." John blinked before responding an intelligent, "huh?" She laughed, " $20.18 please." John dug a hand into his pocket, blushing slightly as he handed her the exact change. "Thank you, have a nice day~." John nodded and walked back out in the heat to his car.

The drive back was uneventful, and he was back in his home's driveway in what seemed like seconds. He took the groceries inside and was surprised to find the place completely silent as he shut the door behind him, shouting, "I'm home!" He made his way to the kitchen and set down the groceries and knocked on Karkat's door. "Yo Karkat, you there?" John's door was open a crack and he heard, "In here."

John opened his door to find Karkat looking through his room. He swallowed and wondered if Karkat found his secret. "What are you d-doing in my room Karkat?" Karkat pretended not to hear the stutter and looked up at John. "I was trying to find some semblance of what's up with you, since you won't tell anyone." He gave John a leveled stare and walked up to him. "Why won't you fucking tell me or Dave what's up? We know you're not okay so don't fucking lie again." John backed up and his back hit the wall. "I- I'm just a little stressed, that's all, I swear." He looked off somewhere, anywhere but at Karkat. "I got the groceries, so I... I'm going to go make dinner." He tried to smile but it came off too weak. He hurried out of the room and Karkat went back to his room, slamming the door behind him and making John cringe as he passed by.

John walked back into the kitchen, grabbing pots and pans so he could start dinner. Suddenly he heard swearing and loud crashes from Karkat's room and he hurried over to see what happened. He opened the door to find Karkat in the middle of his floor crying, surrounded by pieces of broken figures and glass. John carefully made his way into the room, watching every step because he was barefoot. Finally he made it to the crying troll and he put a hand on his shoulder. "Karkat? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Karkat quickly spun around and swatted his hand away. "HOW DARE YOU!" John backed up quickly, not watching where he was going as a piece of glass sank into his heel and he grimaced. "W-what?" he asked timidly. Karkat let out a noise that sounded halfway between a laugh and a cry. "YOU DON'T TRUST US! YOU DON'T TRUST ME! WHY DO I EVEN TRY? YOU'LL NEVER TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG! SO WHY SHOULD I CARE? BUT FOR SOME REASONG I DO! AND I DON'T-" He stood up, "KNOW-" He took a step forward, and John took a step back. "WHY!" He punched the wall next to him and sunk to his knees, hiding his crying face in his hands.

John slowly got down on his knees and wrapped his arms around Karkat. Karkat buried his face in John's shirt a sobs wracked his body and he started muttering incoherent "why"s. John gently stroked his back, rocking back and forth slightly. "I'm sorry." John said quietly into his ear. "I'm sorry." John started rocking, rubbing circles in Karkat's back and muttering reassurances in his ear. Karkat put his hands on John's chest, hitting him with soft punches as he cried, "Why can't you trust us? You fuckass! We just want you to be happy!" John closed his eyes. "I'm sorry Karkat... I'm trying but... I can't seem to be happy anymore."

Once Karkat had settled down, John convinced him to go to bed. Once the troll was asleep, he snuck back into his room and sat on his bed. He pulled out his scissors. _See what you did? You made Karkat cry. You're such an ass to everyone, you don't deserve them. _He cut. _You even killed your dad, you idiot. If only you hadn't played that game, than everyone would be okay. Your dad, Rose's mom, Dave's bro. They'd be alive. They'd be much happier. _He cut. _Now they're starting to realize it too. They hate you for getting their family killed. You're useless, no one wants you. _He cut deeper. He set down the scissors and curled up on his bed, tears stinging in his eyes.

He lay there on his bed, crying for what felt like hours until he fell asleep. His dreams were plagued by nightmares of Dave and Karkat screaming at him, telling him they hated him, that everything was his fault. Suddenly Rose and Jade showed up, crying about how the ones they loved the most were gone, and John's heart ached for them. He tried to reach out and comfort them, but they turned on him and joined Karkat and Dave in torturing him. He writhed on his bed, getting tangled in his blanket. He cried out to his friends, trying to apologize, but every time he said something they only became louder.

Suddenly the floor caved in on him, and the darkness swallowed him. A spotlight turned on, illuminating a figure in the distance. With better focus John realized it was his dad, and a smile broke out on his face. His dad stepped closer, and John became aware of the scowl on his face. Suddenly he became cold, and he tried to back away from his dad, but something had a hold of his limbs, and he couldn't move. He tried to cry out but nothing made it past his lips. His father walked up to him, his features sharply defined by the light shining down on him. _"It's your fault I'm dead. You just had to play that game, didn't you. If only you had refused. We would still be alive and I would be making cakes and talking to my colleagues. We could be happy. We could be home, not in some strange universe with these... Aliens. It's all your fault." _By this point tears were flooding down John's face and he tried to block out what his dad was saying. Out of nowhere his dad pulled out a switchblade and dug it into John's stomach. John cried out, folding in on himself and he hit the floor as whatever was holding him back disappeared. His dad was suddenly by his side, crouching down and holding the blade to his still crying face. _"Let's see how you like dying." _He stabbed him gain. And again. And again and John couldn't do anything but bed him to stop.

Suddenly he heard voices, but he couldn't tell what they were saying. After a few minutes it became clear. "John! John wake up!" He felt a hand slap his wet cheek. "John!" Then there were suffling noises and the voice became more distant as a pounding sounded through his head. "Karkat! Karkat wake up! It's John! I can't get him to wake up!" Then the voice was back, and another one tried to shout over it. "John you nooksucking assstain wake up!" All he could hear and feel was the scream of those voices and the knife entering and exiting his body as his friends sat back and watched.

Something grasped his shoulders and he tried to fight it off. "JOHN!" He sat up in his bed and opened his eyes, shaking and blindly hitting away whatever was holding him as he cried out. "Get away from me! Go away! Please stop it! You're hurting me dad! Please stop! Please!" He collapsed into the figure in front of him as sobs rendered him mute. He clung to the – newly determined – body and cried until he couldn't make a sound. He opened his eyes and pulled away, looking at the thing he was crying on. It was Dave. Dave pulled him back into the hug, rubbing circles in his back. "Ssssshhhhh. It's okay. It was just a dream. You're okay. No one is going to hurt you." More tears found there way down his face and he buried his face in Dave's chest, gripping his shirt tightly.

John pulled away quickly and curled in on himself. Dave tried to make him open up but his muscles had gone rigid. Dave sighed and rubbed his forehead, taking a few steps back from the terrified boy. Karkat sat on John's bed, putting a hand on his head. John visibly jumped at the contact and went back to shaking. Karkat began to pet John's head and whisper reassurances to him, just as he had done earlier. John relaxed a little and scooted closer to Karkat. Dave, thinking John was okay, left the room to go get some sleep. Karkat slowly wrapped his hands around John, trying to get him to relax enough to open up from himself. John complied and rest his head on Karkat's lap.

Karkat continued to pet his hair, and after some time asked, " Will you tell me what the dream was about?" For a second John tensed up, and his face filled with fear. But just as fast as it happened, he relaxed. Karkat waited a minute before John responded, "It was..." His voice was quiet, fragile, as if one wrong move and he would never talk again. " It was... You, Dave, Rose, and Jade..." Karkat waited to see if he'd continue. "...Yeah?" John took a deep breath. "You were all screaming at me... You were all blaming me for what happened to us... You all hated me." At this he began to curl back in on himself slightly. Karkat glanced down at John's face, twisted in pain ass he relived his nightmare. "No one wanted me anymore, no one cared. You all hated me... And my dad..." He began to choke up, tears reappearing in his eyes. Karkat noticed and started petting his hair again. "Sshhhhhh. It's okay. You don't have to tell me. It was just a dream. It's okay. You're okay... I don't hate you." John took a deep breath before continuing, scooting closer to Karkat. " My dad... He hated me too... he... He stabbed me... He wanted me to die." His voice cracked on that last word and his body shook in a silent cry. Karkat moved his hand to John's back and ran his hand up and down soothingly. As what he had said sunk in, Karkat began to feel sorry for John. That would be horrible... To be hated and killed by your family like that. He was almost glad it was a dream. The poor kid would probably be traumatized for a while.

John calmed down, looking up at Karkat and asking, "Hey Karkat,"

"Hm?"

"Can you... Sleep with me?... Please don't leave." He wrapped his arms around Karkat's waist and dug his face into his shirt. Karkat let out an inaudible sigh and laid down next to John, wrapping him up in a hug. John turned around in his arms to face Karkat and closed his eyes. Within minutes he was asleep, and Karkat laid there, watching the steady rise and fall of John's chest. He closed his eyes and slowly drifted off, wishing John would rest peacefully.


	5. Two Parties In A Row

**A/N: this chapter is going to have a lot of switching. Not sorry but you can deal with it hehehe :9**

John woke up to Karkat's arms around him, and he closed his eyes, relaxing into the touch. Karkat stirred and John opened one eye to see him waking up as well. John smiled, "Hey Karkat." He said, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Karkat looked up at him sitting up in bed and smiled. "Feeling better Egbert?" John nodded, remembering last night. He rubbed his neck awkwardly and looked at the bedside clock. "Uhm... Karkat?" Karkat followed his gaze. "Oh shit! I gotta get ready! Fuck!" He hurried out of John's room to get ready for work. Dave had already left for his day job and soon John was the only one in the house. Again.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Dave sat on the other side of the counter, taking people's orders. He had no idea why people would want to order coffee when it's this hot out. Seriously, were they crazy? Dave shrugged it off. They could do whatever they wanted, as long as he got paid. The girl in front of him gave her order and he wrote it on a cup and handed it to a co-worker. "Next." He said as she walked away. Dirk walked up up to the counter. "Hey bro, what's up?" Dirk smiled and leaned an elbow on the counter. "I'm having a party later. You think you can take off some time and bring that Egbert kid too?" Dave looked at him suspiciously. "Sure, what time?" Dirk looked at his wrist for the watch he didn't have. "I don't know, somewhere around 10. And it goes until the last person crashes." Dave thought about it. It would be good for John to get out and have a little fun. "Sure, we'll be there." Dirk smiled at his brother. "Cool, now then, I want a coffee. Straight black, nothing in it. Is that clear?" Dave just nodded, grabbing a cup and writing down the order. "Sure, now go take a fucking seat bro."

~Raaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Karkat was putting away some books when his boss snuck up on him. "Hey Karkat." He jumped slightly, turning around to see Vriska carrying her own stack of books. "Yeah?" She smirked down at him, "Don't space out like that, you're going to screw up." Karkat just grumbled something under his breath and turned back to the bookshelf. He couldn't help thinking about John. He wondered if he was okay by himself in the house for a few hours. Karkat shrugged. What was he going to do anyway? It'd be fucking stupid to just run away. He sighed and put ALB118 in its spot, moving on to the next book.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

John played with the scissors on his bed. He had no intention of actually cutting himself right now, but it was fun to just screw around and have something to do. _Ping! _He turned to his laptop. Someone was pestering him. He pulled his computer onto his lap and opened it up to see who it was.

- tentacleTherapist [TT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:16 - -

TT: hello John

EB: hey Rose

EB: whats up?

TT: just checking on you

TT: Dave said you had a nightmare

EB: aw dammit! Jeez, of course Dave would rat me out

TT: privacy betrayals aside, how do you feel?

TT: I can come over if you want, I can understand if you don't want to be alone

EB: no thanks Rose, im fine

EB: thanks for checking though :B

TT: anytime

- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:19 - -

He was just about to shut his laptop when he heard another _ping!_ It was Jade.

- gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:20 - -

GG: John!

GG: are you okay?

GG: I heard you had a nightmare! D:

EB: *sigh*****

EB: yeah im fine

EB: let me guess

EB: Dave?

GG: yep

EB: STRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRR!

GG: hehehe

GG: well im glad to see youre doing better! :B

EB: yeah

EB: thanks Jade

GG: no prob!

GG: gotta go! Talk to you later! 3

EB: yeah

EB: see ya

- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:23 - -

John sighed and shut his laptop. Why did Dave have to go telling everyone about his nightmare? Was this national Make John Feel Like Shit month? John looked at his alarm clock just as his phone went off, playing Cooler Than Me. John blushed slightly and picked it up. Why couldn't anyone leave him alone?

D: Yo John

D: Egbert

D: Dude

J: what?

J: dude what is it? u dont need 2 send me 10 thousand txts

D: yeah sorry

D: but bro is having a party

J: rly? When?

D: (1/2)2night, sometime around 10. He said it goes til the last guy passes out, so basically until he wakes up and kicks evry1 out. I think ill be the DJ but theres no reason you cant come and have fun. If you rly want we can

D: (2/2)invite the girls so theres some1 you know, but I thnk the trolls and our kid parents are coming so its not like ull be a total stranger.

J: hmmmmmmmmmm

J: ill thnk bout it

J: you know im no good at parties

D: dude plz

D: do you know how uncool it is to go by urself

D: I need u there

J: *sigh*****

J: fine

D: thx bro

J: whatevr

John set his phone back on his bedside table and fell back on his bed with a sigh. Great, so now he has to go to a party tonight. So much for a relaxing night. Two parties in a row! _Well, _he reasoned with himself, _I don't know if you would consider having dinner and flipping your shit a party... _John sighed. He's been acting like a child, throwing tantrums and crying over nightmares. It would do him good to go to a party with a bunch of friends. He picked his phone back up to text Dave.

J: hey dave

J: im gonna invite the grls

J: k?

D: sure dude do whatevr

J: k thx

He flipped through his contacts and found Rose

J: hey rose

J: u want 2 go 2 a party 2nite?

R: Hmmmmm

R: Can Kanaya come?

J: sure

R: Let me ask

R: Okay we'll be there

R: What time does it begin and where?

J: its dirks house

J: and it strts at 10 and goes 2 wenevr

R: Okay

R: Thanks

J: no prob

John scrolled down to Jade and pressed [ new message ]

J: hey jade

J: jaaaaaaaaade

J: hi John! :D

J: whats up?

J: dirk is having a party 2nite

J: I was wondering if u wanted 2 come

J: hmmmmmm

J: who will be there?

J: as far as I know?

J: rose and kanaya, me, dave, our kid parents, and some trolls

J: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

J: sure! :D

J: cool

J: the party strts 10

J: okay! Ill be there! :B

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Dave went to the back employee's lounge and hung up his apron, saying goodbye to the few people still there. He walked out to his car, cursing the heat. He opened the door and a smuppet fell out. Bending down to pick it up, he wondered how it had gotten there in the first place. _It was probably Bro. He probably did it on his way home. _Dave scowled and threw the smuppet across the parking lot, hitting an old lady in the head. Before she could figure out who threw it, he was in his car and driving home.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Karkat practically slammed the last book in it's place and headed for the door. He didn't even look at Vriska as he said his goodbye. "See ya tomorrow Vriska." He said with a blind wave in her direction. "Yeah, see ya." She was too busy reading a magazine that was probably older than her. Karkat exited the building so fast he ran into a man walking down the sidewalk and they both landed on their asses. "Watch where you're fucking going nooksniffer!" The man was surprised by his language and said a weak apology as they both got up, dusting off their pants. "Yeah whatever. Stay out of my way." Karkat shoved his hands in his pockets and and headed for his car. He looked down the road in the direction of his house, scowling at all the cars lined up. There was going to be a lot of traffic today.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Dave made it home a few minutes before Karkat, shutting the door with his foot as he called through the halls, "John~! I'm home~!" John jumped in his room, shoving the scissors under his bed with the bloody towel and getting up with a grimace. His thighs burned every time he moved. Dave met John in the hall, looking him up and down when John wouldn't say anything. "Dude are you okay? You look like you're in pain." John straightened up, relaxing his face. "Yeah I'm fine, I just pulled something." Dave shrugged and wondered into the kitchen. "That sucks. Will you be able to party tonight? I can call Dirk and cancel if I need to. Oh and I got take-out, hope you like Chinese." John laughed softly to himself. " I'm fine, you don't need to cancel anything. I texted Rose and Jade, they're coming, and Rose is bringing Kanaya. And of course I like Chinese, it's all you get when it's your turn to cook." It was true. Dave couldn't cook to save his life, so it was only his turn to make dinner about two or three times a month.

Karkat slammed the door behind him, swearing as usual. "There was an assload of traffic today. Where the fuck do so many people need to go at once to back up the fucking road that much?!" John walked out to the living room and took Karkat's bag, setting it on the coffee table. "Hey Karkat, how was work?" Karkat shot him a glare. "It was fucking work, how do you think it was? Oh that's right, you don't have a fucking job!" Karkat's voice had raised in volume with each word, and by the last word John had to cover his ears. Dave walked in, putting a hand on Karkat's shoulder. "Dude chill out, we're going to a party tonight, so eat up." He said, handing Karkat a take-out container of Chinese food. "Why are we going to a fucking party?" Karkat asked as he sat on the couch with his food. Dave handed John a container as well. "Because my bro is throwing a party and because we need to get out of the fucking house more. Also because I said so." Dave sounded like a parent sometimes in that respect that he expected you to just go along with what he said. It made John smile.

After the boys had finished their dinner, they returned to their rooms to get ready for the party and relax. Dave's raps blared through the whole house as he made some new beats for the party. Karkat was playing one of his romcoms really loud to hear it over Dave's 'trash'. John just sat at his laptop quietly, sighing at the occasional argument that would break out about the noise. He figured now would be as good a time as any to catch up on Problem Sleuth.

As John read, the noise got louder and the arguments got more intense until John couldn't focus. He had had enough. Fuming, he opened his door and screamed at the top of his lungs, "WILL YOU BOTH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP? JEGUS YOU'RE BOTH SO FUCKING LOUD!" He slammed his door, leaving Dave and Karkat to stand in the hall in awkward silence.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

They finally arrived at the party, which was already in full swing. Dave ran inside to talk to Dirk and get started at the DJ table. Karkat and John walked in slowly, a bit nervous about the noisiness of the whole thing. Rose and Jade met them at the door, and of course Kanaya was holding hands with Rose. They said their hello's and walked inside, immediately losing each other in the crowd. John and Karkat were still together, holding hands so as not to get separated.

True to the Strider's word, John could see their kid parents and the other trolls in the crowd. He pulled Karkat by the hand until they met Gamzee and started talking. "Hey motherfuckers!" Gamzee shouted over the music. "Hey Gamzee! I didn't know you would be here! This doesn't seem like something you would do!" Gamzee grinned. "Well I was all up and getting my pie eating on when Tavbro told me about the party. I figured it'd be good for him to get up and social, you know?" John and Karkat nodded their heads, barely hearing any of that over the music. "Well, I gotta go find my soulbrother, I think I got to losing him in the crowd. See you motherfuckers later." John just smiled and waved as Gamzee walked away, leading Karkat farther into the crowd.

"Uh, John?" Karkat poked john's arm and he turned to the troll, "It's fucking crowded in here? Why are we here? It's fucking stupid." John looked around before responding, "Well Dave wanted us to come, and besides it's better than sitting around all night watching romcoms and Nic Cage." Karkat just scowled as John turned back around and continued weaving through the mass of people.

A few minutes later, they broke through to the other side and walked along the edge of the group until John found a door and opened it. Good, it was empty. They entered and Karkat closed it for a little privacy. They could barely hear the commotion going on outside as they relaxed into a couch running along the length of the wall. Karkat glanced at John through the side of his vision to see him staring at his lap. "Hey John," He sat up and looked at Karkat, slightly concerned. "Are you okay? You look a little down." Karkat thought about it for a minute. " Oh fuck, was it what I said earlier? Fucking forget it, I was mad, I didn't mean it." It took John a minute to realize what Karkat was talking about. "Oh! No it's fine, I wasn't thinking about that." Karkat gave him a questioning look, "Then what?" John looked back down at his lap. "Just... My dad." He admitted. Karkat wasn't even thinking when he took John in a hug, pulling him close. "I'm sorry," he said, "If it makes you feel better, my lusus is dead." John thought for a minute. "... No, that doesn't help..." Karkat laughed softly. "Sorry, I fucking suck at comforting people."

John turned to Karkat, returning the hug. He rested his head in the crook of Karkat's neck, taking in his scent. John briefly wondered what it would be like to smell colors, but his thoughts were cut off when he felt Karkat's lips on his. John wasn't even surprised. His eyes slowly slid shut and he moved his hands to Karkat's hips and Karkat's went to John's hair, tangling in his messy black locks.

Karkat bites John's lip softly, and he holds back a moan. John licks Karkat's lips, and Karkat allows him entrance. John's tongue explores Karkat's mouth briefly before being met by his tongue and they fight for dominance. Karkat wins and presses his tongue into John's mouth, making the other moan. Karkat smirks and licks John's tongue before pulling it out playfully. John's tongue follows as Karkat goes to take off his and John's shirts. John's hand slides up to feel Karkat's chest and is surprised to find he doesn't have a belly button or nipples. He gets over it quickly and captures Karkat in another kiss, quickly starting the fight for dominance.

Karkat's hands are exploring John's chest and stop at his nipples, flicking one and twisting it experimentally. John moans into the kiss and arches his back. Karkat arches an eyebrow and rubs his index finger over it as it hardens. Smirking, Karkat moves his mouth down to suck on John's neck. John moans again and puts his hands in Karkat's hair, rubbing his horns. Karkat breaks away from John to let out a loud moan and John trails his hands over the other's horns again.

Karkat sucks on a nipple and John mewls. Karkat smirks and starts playing with the other one, making John restless under him. Karkat moves so he's straddling John and goes to remove his shorts. John quickly snaps back to reality and grabs Karkat's hands, worried he'll see his thighs. Karkat looks up at his face, a little hurt. "What's up? Are you not ready?" He pulls his hands away. "It's okay if you aren't. We can take things slow." John looks at Karkat's hands, his wrists still being gripped by John. "N-no. It's not that I'm not ready. It's just..." Karkat looks at him expectantly, "Just what?" John shakes his head. "Nothing, never mind." Before Karkat can object he steals his lips in another kiss and the two are back to being intense. Karkat's hands move back to John's shorts and he tries to relax as Karkat pulls them down and throws them on the floor. He's still wearing his boxers, and Karkat brings his hands back up. One plays with John's nipple, the other explores his chest. John brings his hands to Karkat's chest and they slowly wonder down to his pants. Karkat makes no movement to object as John pulls them down and he shimmies them down the rest of the way until he kicks them off somewhere.

John kisses and sucks on Karkat's neck, making him moan. Karkat's fingers reach John's boxers, playing with the elastic as he slowly pulls them down. John's heart speeds up, and he looks down to see if Karkat noticed. Karkat's gaze is fxed on him, his hands on the sides of John's thighs. _As long as he doesn't look down... _John cupped Karkat's face and kissed him deeply, pushing his tongue into the other's mouth. Karkat's hands ran down John's thighs and went up to his own boxers. He hesitated for a moment, breaking away from the kiss.

"Uhm... Don't freak the fuck out..." He slowly pulls down his boxers and John's eyes go wide at the sight of Karkat's... Appendages. The tentacles writhed around; there were at least 5 of them, all red and covered in something... Slippery as they moved around on top of each other. John watched as two broke away and wrapped around his member. They were cold and smooth to the touch. They started to slowly move up and down his shaft, and he arched his back. Karkat came down for another kiss and John obliged. He moaned as the tentacles quickened their pace and another one slid between his legs, ghosting over his entrance.

John gasped against Karkat's lips as the tentacle slid into him. He could feel it twisting around inside him and he pulled Karkat closer. After John had gotten used to the tentacle another one joined it, and he moaned. The tentacles moved inside him, attempting to loosen him up. The tentacles wrapped around his member quickened their pace and John let out a hitched cry as the ones inside him located his prostate. They churned inside him, hitting that spot again and again, making white light dance across his vision. "I don't think I can... I'm gonna-" John came, a shiver going down his spine. Karkat smiled and licked the cum off John's chest. John looked into his lust-filled eyes and let out a small moan.

John's prostate was hit again and he tightened around the tentacles, arching his back. The action made Karkat come, some of it on John's and his chest. Karkat laid next to John on the couch, one arm around his waist as they both caught their breath. Karkat ran his hand along John's side, stopping at his thigh. "John," John looked back at him, "Hm?" Karkat sat up and looked at John's thighs, running his thumb along the cuts. "What... Why did you do this?" John swallowed hard. "I- what are you talking about?" Karkat scoffed. "Don't lie to me you ass, I can SEE your thigh! Why did you do it?"


	6. Confessions

**A/N: yeah this might suck, im sorry... ive started rereading homestuck and im on act 5 so all my feels are just... yeah...**

"Uhm..." Karkat glared down at John. "Well?... Why didn't you tell me? Or Dave? Why did you keep it a secret from us?" John looked away, he couldn't stand to look at Karkat right now. "I... I don't know..." Karkat growled softly. "Of course. You 'don't know' more like you don't want _us _to know. I thought I could trust you, but how can I when you don't trust me?" John flinched. This was it, his nightmare was coming true. Karkat hated him now. Once Dave found out, he would hate him too. John's heartbeat began to speed up as he stood up, rushing to put his clothes on. Karkat stood up as John began walking out the door. "Where the hell are you going?" John didn't look back as he ran through the crowd, pushing people by to reach the front door. He barely heard Karkat call his name as he slammed the front door, running to the car.

John pulled on the car door. It was locked. He turned around and saw Karkat closing the front door, heading towards him. He ran down the street, forgetting the car as he tried to get away from the person he assumed hated him. He couldn't go home, they hated him. He tried to think of a safe place to go, but his mind came up blank. Suddenly his nightmare came back to him in full force and he crumpled to the ground in the middle of the street. Karkat ran after him, halting in shock as he saw headlights in he distance. John just sat in the road, hands in his hair, crying out in the night.

Karkat sped up, trying to reach John before the car did. John saw headlights and looked up, staring at the light as arms were wrapped around him and he was pulled to the side. A car horn blared as it drove by and John blinked. When he realized where he was, he lashed out, making Karkat release him. "Stay away from me! Go away!" John's eyes were tightly shut and his fists flew around blindly, trying to keep Karkat away. Suddenly Dave was at his side, putting a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. John's fist came up by Dave's face, knocking his shades away. They clattered on the street and he ducked his face from view. He crouched down beside John and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. "John, it's okay. This isn't a dream, you're okay. Open your eyes. You're safe." John slowly opened his eyes, tears pricking up. Dave stood up and Karkat was on him immediately, hugging him and petting his hair as he began to cry.

John turned to face Karkat and hugged him tightly, wrapping his hands in the fabric of Karkat's sweater. Dave walked back into the house, content that John was in good hands. Gamzee came out OF the house, followed by Tavros on his robolegs. "Hey motherfuckers? What are you getting all up to?" Karkat looked up at Gamzee, "Gamzee please, can't you see I'm fucking busy?" Gamzee looked from John's shaking figure to Karkat. "Woah best friend, sorry, didn't see the wicked feels jam your all up and in." Tavros walked up beside him and Gamzee put a hand around his waist. "Uh, is he okay?" Karkat just returned his glance to John and put his chin on John's head. Gamzee walked up to John's other side and crouched down so he was eye level with him.

"Hey motherfucker, look at me." John sheepishly looked up at Gamzee. "Whatever you're all down and crying for, it will get better, just you see motherfucker, everything will be getting to okay." Gamzee grinned at John and he smiled back, calming down a little. Gamzee's smile grew bigger and he pulled a bottle out of seemingly thin air. "Want some faygo motherfucker?" John just laughed lightly and shook his head. Gamzee shrugged and walked back to Tavros, offering him the bottle. Karkat grabbed John's chin and made him look up at him. "Are you okay now?" John nodded, then paused, shaking his head. He looked Karkat in the eyes. "Do you... Do you hate me now? Since I didn't tell you...?" Karkat sighed and stood up, bringing John with him. Karkat turned John to face him and pulled him into a hug, "No I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I love you, dumbass."

John blushed and hid his face in Karkat's shirt, making the troll laugh. Gamzee and Tavros just stood a few feet away, forgotten onlookers. "Uhm... John?" John peeked his head out to look at Karkat, who was blushing profusely and obviously nervous. This surprised John and he got a little worried. "What?" Karkat rubbed the back of his neck and looked John in the eyes, "Do you uhm...maybe... ah fuck... do you wanna be my matesprit?" John's eyes grew big and he nodded his head slowly. Karkat smiled and Gamzee started shouting, "That's my moirail! You go motherfucker! Pale that human ass!" John blushed and hid his face in Karkat's shirt again as he shouted profanities at Gamzee as Tavross just sat on the ground laughing.

From the front door, Dave smiled sadly. I'm_ glad you got your man, Egbert. I'm just a little sad it wasn't me. _He turned around and went back inside the house, thinking he'd left everyone waiting long enough.

**A/N: okay I feel like that was really sappy! XP im so sorry guys but me and my gf patched things up and were being all cuddly and shit right before I wrote this hehehehe**


	7. Never Alone

**A/N: thank you so much to the people who messaged me some ideas for this chapter, my girlfriend broke up with me so I was out of it but seeing your messages lifted my spirit! Thanks! ^^**

**And a little side note, I just saw that while I was here trying to overcome writer's block, I got over 1,000 views! And I'm not even done! (not even halfway but idk...) so thank you guys!3**

The next day, John woke up with a hangover. After Karkat's confession, they had gone back outside and gotten drunk, having 'sloppy makeouts' on the roof – per request of Gamzee, who brought a blushing Tavros as well. Just as John was getting used to the light, he heard a knock on his door and threw his blanket back over his head, barely shouting, "Come in!" Karkat came through the door holding a plate with eggs and bacon. "I thought after getting stone cold drunk you'd like some real food. Though I don't even know what this shit is..." John laughed and accepted the plate. Karkat sat next to him, watching him eat.

"I'm going to stay home today. I don't want to work with a hangover." John gave him a skeptical glance. "But a library is the quietest place in the world!" Karkat laughed, "Not when Vriska is running it, she'd be hounding me all day knowing I was hungover. She went to the party too, remember?" John did remember, and he supposed Karkat was right. Vriska could be a little mean sometimes. He just shrugged and laid back on his bed, Karkat following.

"I'm glad we went to that party." John said. They were staring at the ceiling in thought. Suddenly Karkat broke the silence. "John?" He sounded really nervous about something, making the boy sit up, "Yeah?" Karkat had concern etched in his face as he looked at the human, "Can you promise me something?" John was curious. "Uhhhh... Yeah, sure, what?" Karkat got a serious look on his face as he said, " No matter what happens, you won't... Kill yourself?" john was taken aback, pondering the question for a minute. What would make Karkat want a promise like that? Then he remembered the night before when he had seen his thighs. He nodded his head, refusing to make eye contact with Karkat. "John." His tone was serious. "John look at me. Look at me and promise me you won't. I love you too much to lose you." John looked at Karkat, a little sad that this conversation was happening. "Yes Karkat, I promise."

Karkat pulled him into a hug. "Good." The word was barely a whisper, but John heard it. He hugged Karkat back, rubbing his back, hoping to calm him down. Karkat pulled away, "Let's go watch a fucking romcom." John smiled. Karkat could be so cheesy sometimes, it was cute. They made their way to the living room and John sat on the couch while Karkat went over their movies. "This isn't exactly a romcom but... Straight A's?" John thought about it for a minute. "Never heard of it, what's it about?" Karkat flipped over the back to read the summary, "When outcast Scott returns to his hometown for a visit, he throws his family's lives in disarray... Sounds interesting." Karkat shrugs and puts the DVD in, sitting next to John on the couch and wrapping an arm around him.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

By the time the movie was over, Dave had come home to find the two boys crying and holding each other. Dave just stared in bewilderment and walked slowly to his room, never taking his eyes off the pair until he couldn't see them. He could still hear them through his door and turned up his beats. After John and Karkat had settled down, they sat there watching the credits scroll by in peace, not letting go of each other.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

It was a week later, and John and Karkat were going on dates, cuddling, doing all the matesprit stuff. Dave stayed out of the house more than usual, and John was starting to worry when the door would slam in the middle of the night, a drunken Dave stumbling through the house. On the fourth day of this happening, John decided to confront Dave about his drinking. The door slammed and John got out of bed, heading for the living room, still wearing his Ghost Buster pajamas.

He slowly approached Dave, who looked like he passed out on the couch, but John knew better. "Dave," he shook his friend's shoulder gently, and Dave opened his eyes, looking at John wearily. "H-Hey John." He definitely sounded intoxicated. "Dave, I think you have a drinking problem." Dave sat up, "Me? You're the one with the secxs probelm." John shook his head, "Dave, you need to stop drinking." Dave grabbed John's shirt, pulling him close. "I'll stop drinking when you stop fucking that damn stupid troll, you got me?"

John just shook off his grip and straightened up, walking back to his room. "Whatever, get some sleep Dave." John went back to his room, listening to Dave stumble around behind him in an attempt to get to his room. John closed the door behind him and climbed into bed, deciding to deal with Dave in the morning.

Within minutes he was asleep, and the nightmares returned. The darkness loomed over him as Karkat drove a blade into his side, saying how he never loved him. John cried for him to stop, and he pulled the knife out, stabbing him next in the chest. John collapsed on the ground, bleeding out. Karkat towered over him laughing, pointing his sickle at him. John curled up and got ready for the attack, but it never came. He sat up and looked around, he was in Dave's room. Dave was sitting at his desk on his laptop. John slowly walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. Dave turned around, nothing but a blur as he swung around, a record in hand that he used to cut John's throat. Blood spewed everywhere, and John wondered how he wasn't dead yet. Dave got out of his chair and walked toward John, making him walk away until he hit the wall. Just as Dave brought the record down, John fell through the wall, hitting the floor hard as darkness swallowed him once more. Lights switched on to show he was surrounded by all of his friends. Every troll and human, glaring down at him from his spot on the ground. John stood up and turned in a circle, looking at his friends. Karkat stepped forward, then Dave, then Rose, all lashing out at him, bringing him to his knees. Just when John thought he couldn't take any more, he woke up, falling out of bed and hitting the floor.

The sun shone through his curtains and he sat up, wiping the cold sweat off of his forehead. Dave knocked on his door. "Come on Egbert, you gonna sleep forever?" John looked at the clock; it was past noon. "I'll be out in a minute!" He called to Dave. He could hear the other boy walk away and tried to settle down. It was no good, he was still shaking. He turned back to his bed, reaching under the mattress to pull out the scissors he still had.

The blade was cool against his arm and before he knew it he had calmed down, transfixed by the pearls of blood that pooled on his arm. He wasn't even thinking about how he can't cover them up. But then, that wouldn't be important soon anyways. He didn't feel the pain, but he could feel the relief, the excitement, the rush from the blade. He leaned back against his bed, not noticing the door open until he heard a plate hit the floor.

He looked up to find Dave in his doorway, his hands out in front of him and a plate of breakfast on the floor. Dave rushed over to him and gripped his arm, eyes fixed on the ever growing presence of blood. "Why," Dave's voice was quiet, and John had to strain to hear it. "Why did you do this? I told you that if you needed to talk I was here for you bro, so why?" His eyes looked so sad, almost defeated behind his shades. Of course John couldn't see. "I... I'm sorry..."

Dave got up and walked out of the room, speechless. John followed him into the living room and they both sank into the couch. John sat next to Dave and put his uninjured arm around him. Dave flinched slightly at the contact but didn't pull away as John began to speak. " I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I was afraid you would hate me... I didn't want that to happen but I didn't know what else to do." Dave sighed and looked at John, holding his injured arm in his hands. "Come on," He said, getting up. "We need to get this bandaged."

While Dave was wrapping gauze around John's arm, something popped into his head. "Hey Dave?" He didn't look up from his task, "Yeah?" "Why aren't you at work? And where's Karkat?" Dave stopped what he was doing and looked at John. "Well I'm not going to work now, dipshit. I'm not leaving you alone. As for that asshole, I have no idea where he is, and I don't care." Just then Karkat walked in and took in the sight before him. Dave was still holding John's arm and the blood was showing through.

"What the fuck happened?" He rushed over to John, glaring at Dave. "Was this your fault?" Dave just looked at him incredulously. "No idiot, John cut himself." Karkat deflated, looking at John's bandaged arm, "Oh," John jumped to his defense. "It wasn't because of you! I just had a bad dream! It wasn't anything related to you..." Karkat looked John in the eyes, "What was the dream about?" John squirmed under Karkat's gaze. "John, tell me." John hesitated, then sighed, "I was being killed, tortured... by my friends... and you."

Karkat couldn't believe it, a dream about him killing John? He could never do that! Karkat straightened up and made John stand up. Without thinking he pressed his lips to John's, closing his eyes. John wasn't shocked at all and closed his eyes as well. After a few minutes, Dave cleared his throat and John pulled away blushing. Karkat glared down at Dave and took John's hand, leading him back to his room.

After Dave checked they weren't in the hallway, he pulled out his phone to pester Rose.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 1:15 - -

TG: Rose

TT: yes Dave?

TG: I need your help

TT: what is it?

TG: John's been cutting, and I think Karkat knew

TG: I just feel so bad, he won't say anything to me but when Karkat came in the room he spilled it like fucking soda

TG: idk, I just feel like he doesn't care about me much

TG: and I love him

TG: and to make it worse I think he and Karkat are in Karkat's room making out, even though it was all tense like 2 minutes ago

TT: hmmmmm

TT: well

TT: I thought something like this would happen

TT: has he been having nightmares?

TG: …... That's what he said

TT: has he seemed down lately?

TG: yeah, now that I think about it. It's almost like he has to _try _to smile

TT: there's no easy way to say this

TT: so I'll just say it

TT: John's depressed

TT: you shouldn't leave him alone, I suspect he's already done it before, so he'll do it again

TG: but I have 2 jobs, and that asshole would just make out with him every second

TT: as awful as it sounds

TT: it seems Karkat is your best option

TG: I was afraid of that

TG: thanks TT

TT: no problem

- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 1:20 - -

Dave closed his pesterchum and sighed. She was right, they couldn't leave John alone. He would talk to Karkat later about staying with him. For now he just sat on the couch, turned on the tv, and found something to watch. He decided to give the couple a few minutes to themselves. And besides, he had a feeling if he walked in on them making out, it would hurt.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Karkat walked into the living room, his hair a bigger mess than usual. Dave turned to regard the sight of his friend and decided to go back to his tv. "Rose says we shouldn't leave John by himself, and since I have 2 jobs I figured it'd be okay to take him with you for a few hours." Karkat considered this while he poured some coffee; he used to hate it, but it had grown on him. "Sure, I guess, I mean, he could just read a book or some shit."

That's how John ended up hanging around in the public library, switching between some boring book and his phone to see if there was anyone to talk to. He opened pesterchum and looked down the list of names. Of course, everyone was at work right now, so there was no one to talk to. He went back to his book, a small black one with the title in white; Cut by Patricia McCarthy. He picked it because he- actually, he didn't know why. It just... Drew him to it. It seemed small enough that he could finish it before they left. He pocketed his phone and opened the book to where he left off.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Dave looked at the clock again. Where the hell were they? They were supposed to be home half an hour ago. Who was going to make dinner? Just then, the door opened and an arguing Karkat and John walked in. Dave stood up and met them at the door. "Where the hell were you guys?" Karkat sighed and pointed at John. "This dipshit wanted to finish his book, so we had to stay behind." John's face got red. "Oh come on! It was a great book!" Karkat sighed again, "Whatever."

An hour later, John's voice rang through the house, "Dinner~!" Dave got up from the couch and headed for the kitchen. "What the fuck is this? We had that last night." John just laughed slightly, "Well, we had some left over, so I figured, you know, why not?" Dave sighed and picked up a plate. "Fine, but tomorrow better be something new."

After dinner, everyone went straight to bed. The day had been exhausting. John curled up under his covers and closed his eyes. Immediately upon falling asleep, the nightmares came back. His dad screamed at him and his friends hurt him, and worst of all Karkat kept saying he hated him. The world spun around him and everything was dark. He felt kicks and punches, but couldn't locate the source. Suddenly he was on the ground and Karkat had him pinned down. Karkat began to tear off his and John's clothes, taking him in a kiss. John was frightened and tried to pull away. It was no good, Karkat had him pinned. Karkat started biting his neck and John moaned. Karkat bit harder and John cried out, tears from fear pricking in his eyes. "Karkat! Karkat stop! Please!" Karkat began to grin his hips against John's and he cried, the tears spilling over his cheeks. Karkat undid his pants and moved down to take his member in his mouth. John's body was wracked with sobs as he tried to pry himself away, but Karkat still had a hold on him. Karkat began to wrap his tongue around John's member and John shivered. He hated how this was giving him an erection. He finally woke up to the feeling of tears streaking down his face. Karkat burst through the door and tried to hug John, but he pushed him away. "Stay away from me!" He said between sobs, "Why didn't you stop?! I asked you to stop, so why didn't you? Stay away! Don't touch me!" John recoiled when Karkat reached out a hand. Karkat was about to pull it away when he quickly pulled John into a hug, stroking his hair. The small teen tried to fight but all he accomplished was a few measly punches to Karkat's chest. John shook in Karkat's arms, silently crying as Karkat sat on his bed, petting his hair. "You don't have to tell me what happened. But whatever it was, I promise I will never hurt you, it was just a dream. You're okay. I love you." He kissed the top of John's head and pulled him closer.

When the boy finally started to calm down, Karkat put him at arms length and looked him in the eye. "John?" The boy looked up. "Would you like to sleep in my bed tonight?" john thought about it for a minute, then slightly nodded. Karkat stood up and took John's hand, leading him to his room. They settled under the covers and Karkat wrapped an arm around John's waist, making him jump. Karkat pulled his hand away. "Sorry, I should have asked... Is it okay..?" John nodded and relaxed into Karkat, closing his eyes.

**A/N: yep, leaving there like a butt. Anyways sorry this took so long, I had some shit going on but now it's all sorted out. Thanks for waiting! ^^ 3**


	8. Cries In The Night

**A/N: this isn't really relevant, but I had a review saying my story sounded more like experience than imagination. Yes, the story is based off my own life and emotions. I didn't lose a dad but I've felt these same emotions, and I still am. So I must be doing something right if you all like it and can tell, idk. Anyways, sorry it took me so long, a lots happened in the last few weeks.**

Life has a way of piling up the drama. You'll be coasting along and all of a sudden everything goes wrong.

John woke up in Karkat's bed alone. He sighed, figuring Karkat went to work. He looked at the clock; he should really stop sleeping this late. John headed for the door and heard shouting. He stood there, not sure if he should go out, and just listened to the argument.

"It's your fucking fault he's depressed you shit!"

"My fault? How is it my fault?"

"Because you treat him like a kid so he never grows up, but when something happens it's 'oh sorry I'm at work'!"

"And what makes you think you're so much better?"

"Because I can _actually _make him happy!"

There was silence, and John couldn't catch the next thing. Suddenly he heard the door close and ran out to see what was going on. He saw Karkat standing there, staring at the door. John reached out a hand but pulled it back quickly, walking up to Karkat. "Karkat?" Karkat jumped, apparently he didn't know John was there, "What did Dave say?" Karkat looked at the ground. "You don't need to know." He said in a low voice. John deflated and sat on the couch, letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

Karkat sat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "How're you feeling?" John remembered last night and swallowed the fear. "I'm... Good... So what was that about exactly?" John pointed at the door. Karkat stiffened a little, but John didn't notice. "Nothing important." John looked at him skeptically, "It sure sounded important." Karkat crossed and recrossed his arms. "Well it wasn't, okay?" John could tell Karkat was getting mad and decided not to push it further.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes before John got up and brushed off his pants. "I'm going to make lunch, okay?" Karkat just nodded and walked back to his room. John walked into the kitchen and looked around. They needed to go to the store. John sighed and walked over to Karkat's room, knocking on the door. "Karkat?" He heard grumbling inside and decided to leave the door closed. "We don't really have anything to cook, so I'm going to stop by McDonald's, what do you want?" John heard hard footsteps on the ground and suddenly the door opened. Before John could say anything Karkat began yelling. "I DON'T FUCKING CARE DIPSHIT! GOD CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING? YOU'RE SO USELESS! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" John felt tears stinging his eyes and turned away. "Okay Karkat, sorry I asked."

John walked away and Karkat slammed his door shut behind him. John sighed and walked out the door, grabbing the car keys off of the side table. He shut the door quietly behind him, trying not to anger Karkat anymore than he apparently had.

John knew the way to the McDonald's, and he wasn't paying attention as he drove. All of his thoughts were on his friends and his new boyfriend. _I knew it, he thinks I'm useless, he hates me. _John didn't see that he had swerved into oncoming traffic.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Karkat got the call about 15 minutes later that a mister John Egbert had been admitted to the ER. Karkat freaked out, unable to breathe as he called Dave and told him what happened. Dave managed to leave work and pick up Karkat on his way to the hospital. They arrived 20 minutes later and were told to wait in the waiting room. It seemed like forever until they were allowed to see John. He was sleep in a hospital bed, his cuts a strikingly red contrast to the paper white of the sheets. Karkat swallowed at how much John resembled the sheets, looking as pale as a ghost. He had a broken arm and leg, Karkat guessed there were more bandages under the blanket and hospital clothes.

Karkat sat in one of the chairs beside the bed and Dave followed suit, sitting next to him. Karkat held John's hand softly and closed his eyes, praying he was okay. He felt like such an ass, the last time they had talked, Karkat called him useless. He didn't mean it, he was still mad from his fight with Dave, but did John know that? Karkat laughed inwardly, he must know, John wasn't one to let Karkat's insults get to him... was he? Karkat had to calm himself as his heart sped up over anxiety. Dave put a hand on his shoulder and took off his shades.

"Dude, Karkat, calm down. He's going to be fine." Karkat tried to calm down, but seeing Dave's face made him worry more. He looked so sad... and tired. Karkat sighed and brought his knees to his chest. Dave took his hand back and relaxed into his chair, and he was asleep within minutes. Karkat guessed he was right about the tired thing. He wondered if Dave had slept much at all recently. Karkat turned his attention back to John, examining his face. What injuries weren't bandaged didn't seem so bad, but a shiver went down Karkat's back at the thought of what was under the bandages on his forehead and cheek.

They sat there until a nurse came by and told them visiting hours were over. Karkat asked if he could stay, and when the nurse saw she wasn't going to get him out, and agreed. Later, someone brought Karkat a blanket and pillow, and before he knew it he was asleep.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Karkat woke up with a start when he felt someone squeeze his hand. He looked at John hopefully and watched as his eyes slowly opened. John turned his head slowly to meet Karkat's gaze and he tried to smile. Karkat was so excited he felt like he could run on forever. "I'm glad you're okay." Karkat smiled down at the boy. He didn't smile back. "If you call this okay..." Karkat tried to stay positive. "It won't be like this forever. The doctors say they want you to stay here for at least 2 more days and then you can come home! We can all watch cheesy action movies and romcoms, if you want. I suppose I'll have to make dinner, since Strider can't cook for shit..." Karkat shook his head, "Anyways, don't be so down about it, before you know it you'll be back to normal!" John laughed weakly and winced. "You're being nice to me, I must be dying." Karkat felt hurt. Is that what John thought of him? That he was just mean all the time?

Karkat squeezed his hand just as Dave walked in with 2 coffees. "Oh hey bro, you're awake." He strode over to Karkat and handed him a cup, receiving a quiet 'thank you'. John smiled up at his friend. "Hey Dave." Dave sat down in his chair and nodded at John. "Glad you're alive man. Gosh do you know how much you make us worry?" John looked at his lap and frowned. "But," Karkat quickly added, "It doesn't matter, you're very important to us, we want you to be safe and okay." He elbowed Dave and he coughed up his coffee, agreeing in between coughs. John just sighed and nodded, not looking them in the eyes.

The nurses never brought up the scars on John's legs or arms, but he did catch them giving him sad glances sometimes. It bothered him, but he guessed he had no room to talk, since he was the one inflicting them. He rubbed his hands gently along his thighs, his senses almost too sensitive against the pink scars. John heard a knock on the door and jolted, wincing at the pain. He looked up at the door as Dave walked in with his poker face, John staring at his reflection in Dave's aviators.

"Okay so I talked to the docs, and after a week of this hell hole, we can finally take you home." John felt his chest lift at the news. "Really? I can go home now?" Karkat walked in with a wheelchair. "Yes, but not without one of these." John instantly deflated. "Oh." Dave noticed and took a step forward, putting a hand on John's shoulder. "Don't be like that, this is good, you can finally come home." John looked up at his friend and faked a smile. "Yeah, you're right. Let's go home."

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Needless to say, getting around their tiny house in a wheelchair was hard. Most days John would get frustrated trying to navigate the hallway and just sit there until Karkat or Dave came home to help. His days usually consisted of sitting in his room watching (totally awesome) Nic Cage movies and going on his laptop. When he was finally able to go from a wheelchair to crutches, he was ecstatic. Karkat and Dave decided to take John out since he had been cooped up in the house for so long.

They drove up to the little corner restaurant just as the sky began to change colours. The woman at the front podium was nice enough, and within 20 minutes they were seated and waiting for their drinks. John was zoning out, staring at the wood pattern of the table; seeing it but... _not _seeing it.

Dave waved a hand in John's face and he jolted. He looked across the table at his best friend and Karkat rested his hand on top of John's from his left. "Yo Egderp, what's up? You're spacing out hard." John blushes and looks out the window past Karkat's worried look. "I'm fine, just thinking..." Dave doesn't leave it there. "Oh. What about?" When he doesn't get a response, he turns to Karkat. "So how's work been?" he asks casually. And just like that, John's left to his thoughts once again.

By the time their meals get there, John is feeling pretty shitty. He gets up from his seat and the other two boys are looking at him curiously. "Just going to the bathroom, be right back." That seems to satisfy them and John runs off to the bathroom.

Once he's in the cool room, he practically slams the door and runs to the paper towel dispenser. Thankfully this place has old fashion ones and the edges are pretty sharp. John places his wrist under the jagged edge and begins to rub his wrist, the skin being pulled by the harsh metal. Beads of blood start to pool on his pail skin and he relaxes, pulling his arm back to his chest. He sits on the cool tile, resting against the wall behind him.

After he is calmer and is sure the bleeding has stopped, he walks out of the bathroom, thankful the evenings here are cold as he pulls his sweater over his wrist.(with some difficulty, he _is _on crutches) When he finally got back to the table, Dave gave him a weird look, but John brushed it off. After they were all full and ready to go, Karkat paid the bill and they were off. John walked behind Dave and Karkat with the aid of his crutches, trying not to trip up his house mates. The ride home was fairly quiet, and when they got home John was the first one at the door, pulling out his keys and fitting them in the lock. Just as Dave walked up behind him, his sleeve inched up to expose his bright red-on-white wrist, the cut practically glowing against his pail skin. John stepped through the doorway and was spun around and pinned to the wall by Dave. Karkat came running in, a surprised look on his face as he shut the door behind him.

"Strider! What the _fuck _are you doing to _my _matesprit?" That last bit was said in a possessive tone that had Dave flinching, or would have, if he wasn't cool and aloof. He grabbed John's arm, forcing the sweater sleeve down to his elbow and showing Karkat the cut. "This! This is what I'm doing you dumb ass! I _told _you! Dating you won't make him stop!" He turned his gaze back to John, his poker face cracking slightly as he asked John in a broken voice, "Why?" John looked at the ground. He didn't know how to answer Dave, didn't think he'd understand. He tried to wrestle out of Dave's grip, but it was futile. The other boy had always had more muscle than him; strifing on a roof practically your whole life will do that.

John struggled harder, almost making Dave lose his grip. When he tightened it, John let out a yelp and closed his eyes, seriously considering if Dave could snap a bone. Karkat stepped in then, baring his fangs, ready to fight for his matesprit. "Dave! Get you're fucking hands off John! You're hurting him!" Dave spun around and glared at Karkat. "What like you don't do that enough? Some _matesprit _you are! John told me what you said to him before the accident! You asshole!"

"I didn't mean that! I was just mad at you! God, why do you have to make me look like the bad guy? I'm only trying to help him! At least I'm around when he needs me, and not making excuses like _YOU!" _The last word came out so loud John cringed, putting his hands to his ears.

"I only work so much because we need the fucking money! I don't see you offering to work late nights, so shut the fuck up!"

"If it bothers you that much, let John get a job! Jegus Dave! He's not a kid!"

"Uhm... guys-"

"No! He doesn't need to work, he's fine! It's _you _being a constant asshole that is ruining his mind! He _loves _you! And you treat him like shit!"

"Dave-"

"Well at least he can _talk _to me! _See _me whenever he wants! You're hardly ever home! And you don't like him coming to work! He's better off with me! You ironic, ignorant, asshole!"

"Well-"

"GUYS!"

Dave and Karkat look at John shocked, no one, not even John, had expected him to blow his gasket.

"Jesus! You guys can be _so stupid! _Why do you talk about me like I'm not here? I can take care of myself!" He turns to Dave, " And yes, I don't have a job, yes, I _want _one! Do you think I _like _sitting on my ass all day?" He turned his rage on Karkat, "And Karkat!" the troll flinched. " It is _not _your fault! Granted, I was thinking about what you said when I had the accident, but you always yell at me! My mind is fucked up, but that doesn't mean I can't handle myself!" He addressed both of them, "And I _do not _want you guys getting in these fucking stupid fights about who I deserve to be with! That is _my _fucking decision! If you guys are going to treat me like this and freak out every time I cut, why the hell am I here? I should just leave! Just... Kill myself!"

The sound of Dave's palm meeting John's cheek cracked through the house, and John fell to the ground. Karkat was too stunned to move, and Dave was glaring daggers at his best friend. John looked up at Dave with hurt eyes, a hand touching his now red cheek. "Don't you _ever, EVER. _Say that to me John..." He choked on his own words and stomped off to his room, slamming the door behind him. Karkat finally came out of the shock and kneeled down by his matesprit, a worried look in his eyes. He ran his hand over the fresh cut on John's arm, shivering at the feel of the damaged skin. "John..."

Suddenly John clung to him, crying into his shoulder. Karkat rubbed his back, shooshing him. He knew this was more or less the job of his moirail, but he was currently the reason for this, and John needed him right now. So with a slightly resigned sigh, he rested his chin on John's head as he cried harder, his whole body wracking with sobs.

~Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

Dave could hear John's cries leak through the walls. He sat on his bed, holding his knees to his chest and staring at nothing through the darkness of his room. He felt the hot prick of tears sting his eyes and before he knew it he was crying too. Silent sobs and apologies escaped his lips as he thought about his mistakes.


	9. Breakdown

**A/N: okay in the last chapter John got to go home fuckin quick, here's why: **

**it wasn't that bad of a wreck**

**he only had 2 serious injuries, broken bones at that**

**they only kept him that long to check for complications**

**I know my shit shut up**

John woke up in the middle of the living room with a headache. He tried to get up to find Karkat had his arms wrapped around him. John untangled himself and went to the kitchen to make some breakfast. Dave walked through the kitchen about 20 minutes later to the smell of eggs and pancakes. He smirked and walked up behind John, placing his hands on the other boy's shoulders and making him jump. John turned around with a smile on his face, looking at Dave's unusually red eyes. Realizing he left his shades in his room, Dave went back to his room to retrieve them.

When he came back, John just took them off and set them on the counter. "You look better without them, I can actually tell you can feel something." He chuckled, and Dave crossed his arms. John heard Karkat grumble in the other room and the squeak of the leather couch as he got up. "Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes Karkat!" He shouted over his shoulder. Dave hissed and he looked at him curiously. "Don't fucking yell, I have a headache." John sighed. "Were you drinking again?" Dave grumbled and looked away. "I told you to stop that! Don't you know what that shit does to you!"

"You're one to talk! At least I know how when to stop so I don't kill myself!" John took a step back, a hurt look on his face. Karkat walked in scowling. "You guys-"

"How do you know? I mean really know? I don't want you getting drunk and ending up in some gutter because you got in a bar fight! I don't want to hear from some cop that my best friend was too stupid to leave the bar early!" John's eyes were watering and Karkat moved to stand next to John.

"Well I don't want to come home and see your body crumpled up on the floor covered in blood!" Tears leaked behind his shades, and John was in shock. Karkat took a step towards Dave. "Uhm, Dave?" He seemed reluctant to touch him but eventually a hand settled on Dave's shoulder. "A-are you okay?" Dave was shrinking in on himself as he shook with sobs, his shoulders hunched, his chin down, hugging himself. John gently pushed Karkat away and hugged Dave. "ssssshhhhh. It's okay Dave. It'll be okay." Dave looked up, "H-how do you know? I don't want to be the one to find my best bro lying in a pool of his own- his own-" Dave shook harder and John started rubbing his back. "P-promise me," Dave began when he got his breath back. "Promise me you'll stop." John looked sadly at Karkat watching the two boys. "I'm sorry Dave, I can't promise that... I just can't."

Dave escaped John's grasp and ran to his room, locking the door. "Dave!" Just before John could run after him, Karkat grabbed his shoulders. "John," He looked John dead in the eyes, "I think we need to leave him alone for a while, he's pretty tired." John just nodded and went back to serving up breakfast. He left a plate and a note for Dave on the counter with reheating instructions and Karkat and John went out the door.

It was a pretty good day. A mild Saturday with little to no traffic and they were able to get in and out of the store with little trouble. The house was eerily quiet when John opened the door, and as soon as he set down the groceries he ran to Dave's door, making sure to knock before opening the door. Dave was curled up on his bed, shades barely hanging on his face and his chest rising and falling slowly with comatose breaths. John smiled fondly and took Dave's shades, setting them on his nightstand. He sat on the edge of the bed, smoothing out Dave's hair and brushing his bangs out of his face. Karkat stood in the doorway, a little jealous but understanding as he watched his matesprit worry over his friend.

Eventually John got up and joined Karkat in watching a cheesy romcom on the couch. All through the movie Karkat couldn't stop thinking if he was really a good boyfriend for John. John had no idea.

John woke up on the couch, Karkat leaning on him and the TV displaying a movie menu with terrible music. He laid Karkat down on the couch and went to the kitchen. Now that he thought about it, he spent a lot of time in this kitchen. He shrugged it off as something he got from his dad.

_Dad. _

John shook his head, messing up his hair even more. He started cooking, not even aware of what he was making until he had finished frosting a big cake. Seeing the familiar sight brought a sad smile to his face. He silently walked back to his room, shutting his door behind him. He sat heavily on his bed, grabbing the scissors from under his pillow and inspecting them carefully. It had seemed like ages ago when he had first drug that blade across his thighs. It was the beginning of August, and things were starting to pick up, college kids checking out books and getting coffee to stay up late.

Thankfully though, (or maybe not, in John's case) it was Saturday, which meant less hours for Dave at squarebucks but later nights. John wondered if Karkat was going to work today. The library was never that busy so he isn't always working. He prefers it that way though, he doesn't want to work his ass off like Dave.

John thought about what it would be like to have a job. People were always saying work sucked but as long as you're doing what you love and you're out of the house, it sounds awesome. John wondered what kind of job would be good for him. He's not good around people on account of his anxiety, so that narrowed it down. He couldn't stand a desk job or quietness, so he was really limited. Then it hit him, he could-! Nope, lost it. Damn, this was hard. He'd have to talk to Karkat later.

John snapped out of his thoughts and regarded the scissors in his hands. Memories of his nightmares flooded his brain and that was all the incentive he needed. He dragged the blade across his arm, watching the blood rise. A shiver went down his spine and he hoped Karkat was still asleep.

He cut again and again, thinking about how his friends and family abused him, how Karkat...

There was a knock at the door. John jumped, putting the scissors under his pillow and hiding his arm. "Come in." His voice didn't sound natural, hopefully Karkat wouldn't notice. Karkat opened the door, halting at the doorway to look at John. "You okay? You look a little pale." John shifted slightly on his bed, keeping his arm behind his back. "Yeah, I'm fine." Karkat sighed, walking into John's room and sitting next to him. John jumped, trying to hide his arm from the troll. "Okay, what's up." John couldn't take it, he felt guilty. He slowly pulled his arm out from behind his back, showing Karkat the cuts. Instantly he regretted it, Karkat looked so hurt. "Oh." Was all he could say before he got up. "Hold on, I'll be right back."

Karkat came back with the first aid kit, sighing as he sat down on the bed. "I called Dave, his shift is almost over and then he's coming right home." He regarded John, who conveniently found a vast interest in the way Karkat was wrapping his arm. "John," John looked up at him slowly, almost afraid of what he was going to say next. " I'm not mad. I'm not. I get it, you're sad. More than that. I just wish when you felt like this you would come talk to me, or Dave. You're not alone, John. We want to help you. You understand that, right?" John nodded his head, a knot growing in his chest. He was afraid to speak, afraid of what would happen if he opened his mouth.

"Sorry." The word was barely audible, somewhere between a low croak and a whisper. Karkat hugged John, stroking his hair. "Shhhhhh, it's okay." John's eyes began to water, and he tried to blink them away. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Sssshhhhhhh, John, it's okay, you don't need to apologize. It's okay, everything's going to be okay."

"Sorry."

"I know."

They sat like that for what seemed like hours, afraid to break the embrace, like it was some holy connection and if they severed it one of them would break. They heard the door open and close, Dave calling for them once he had entered the house. "Karkat? John? You guys dead?" The two buys got up, meeting Dave in the hallway. "Let me see." Dave didn't even waste time saying hi before he had grabbed John's arm. "How bad was it?" Karkat sighed, looking at the bandages on John's arm. "Not good, but I suppose nothing is in this aspect. He won't bleed out, if that's what you're asking."

Dave let out a breath, dropping John's arm. "Thank God." He muttered. He pushed past them, making his way to his room. John turned to regard his friend. "Dave-" Without even looking at him, Dave walked into his room, shutting the door. "Sorry."

Karkat put a hand on John's shoulder, leading him back to his room. "I'll cook dinner tonight, you're not supposed to cook with open wounds." John smiled weakly at him, "Thanks, Karkat." Karkat smiled down at his matesprit sitting on his bed. "Of course."


	10. Silent Housemates

Things were still tense. Dave tried to avoid John and Karkat as best he could, and John was lucky if he could even get Dave to look at him. John became more and more depressed, not being able to talk to his best friend really got to him. Karkat tried to keep his spirits up, but most days weren't too good.

John sat down on his bed, sighing as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line.

"So how is the situation with you and Dave going?"

"It's the same. It's been almost 3 weeks! Why won't he talk to me? And to make things worse, now Karkat is mad at me for trying to get Dave to talk to me! I just don't get it, doesn't he understand that he's my friend?"

There's a pause, and then Rose's voice comes over the phone suddenly. "John, can I tell you something?"

"uhm... Sure, Rose, what?" You hear the phone get set down, followed by people talking. You can't hear what they're saying, but you figure it might be important, so you wait. You hear shuffling around, and Rose returns to the phone.

"Sorry, Kanaya was looking for something. Anyways, as I was saying, if both of you want this relationship to work, then you both need to understand each other's space. He's a troll, he doesn't understand the bond between you and Dave, who are obviously more than moirails, you're brothers. Also, you need to understand that Karkat's instinct is to do anything to keep his matesprit. Trolls can be possessive and he might see Dave as a threat now that your time is so consumed by him."

John tries to digest what Rose is saying. He supposes he should talk to Karkat. "Thanks, Rose."

"Any time, John." And with that, Rose hangs up. John shuts his cell phone, setting it next to him on the bed. He pulls out the scissors, studying the blades when he hears a knock on the door, and he doesn't even need to look up to see who it is to know it's Karkat. "Come in." Karkat slowly opens the door and John quickly shoves the scissors under his pillow. Karkat stands at the door for a moment before walking over to John and sitting next to him on the bed. He sits with his elbows on his knees, staring at his lap. John waits a minute, watching Karkat to see if he will say something.

"Karkat? What is it?"

Karkat blushes slightly and looks at John seriously. "I uhm... You want to go out to the movies? I figure since Dave is trying to avoid company it would do him good for us to leave the fucking house. Plus, we should spend some time together, I mean jesus, you're my matesprit but we haven't been on a date in weeks."

John smiles, "That sounds great Karkat. Let's go."

~Raaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeee~

They finally get to the movies and after several minutes of Karkat complaining "there aren't any fucking movies, these are trash" they decide on a romance. After they get their popcorn and sodas, they make their way to the theatre, choosing seats in the very back. Once the movie starts, Karkat puts his arm around John and John put his head on Karkat's shoulder.

They staid like that the whole movie, moving once in a while to share a kiss. It eventually turned into a full-blown make out, and they were only interrupted when the credits began rolling and the audience clapped, making the boys jump and blush at each other.

They exit the movie theatre and John suggests going to lunch. They spend nearly two hours talking and kissing in a booth, annoying anyone nearby. When they get home, Dave's car is gone, but they don't care. They go to Karkat's room, laying down on his bed and just enjoying each other's company. Karkat snakes his arm around John's waist and John turns around to face him, taking his lips in a kiss.

Karkat moves his other hand to the back of John's neck, pulling him closer. John works fast, already working off Karkat's shirt. "You have no idea how much I've wanted to do this all day." John pants, eyes filled with lust. John gets Karkat's shirt off and starts working at his jeans. Karkat snaps out of it and pulls John's shirt off him, throwing it across the room.

Karkat rolls over so he is on top of John, biting and sucking at his collar bone. John moans and Karkat palms him through his boxers, making him arch into Karkat. Karkat purrs and sucks on a red mark he left on John's shoulder. He peels off his boxers, taking John's length into his hand and pumping fast. John squirms under him and Karkat takes him in another kiss, shoving his tongue into John's mouth. John feels something hot slide against his entrance and realizes it's Karkat's bulge. It ghosts over his hole teasingly, making John wine.

Karkat smirks and pumps John faster. He takes his other hand and puts his fingers in John's mouth. "Suck fuckass." John sucks on the digits and before he knows it one is already inside of him. He gasps and Karkat enters another one, scissoring them inside of him. When he slides in the third, John keens, arching his back so far for a fleeting moment he think it might break. Suddenly the fingers are gone, and John's entrance is left feeling hollow. Karkat's bulge runs over John's entrance and he whimpers. "Use your words John. Beg me for it."

"P-please, Karkat... fuck me!" Just as his bulge begins to enter John, flashes of his recent nightmares come back to him and he panics. He can feel Karkat inside him and tries to get out from under Karkat, flailing and swinging his arms around.

"G-get away! Stop it! Please stop! Get away from me!" John's eyes are shut tight and he's punching Karkat. Karkat gets off of him, shocked. John curs up in a ball, shaking. Karkat tries to comfort him but he is pushed away. Karkat just watches as his matesprit tightens in on himself, shaking uncontrollably with sobs, screaming at him to leave, get away from him, stop. Karkat feels a tightness in his chest watching John so scared.

He decides to just go for it and hugs John. At first he fights back, trying to pry out of Karkat's grip, but eventually he gives up and lets Karkat comfort him. Karkat pets his hair, shooshing him. It seemed as though he'd been doing this a lot lately, but it didn't matter. He just wanted John to be happy. "John..." John's eyes got wide and he started thrashing. "John!" Tears fell from his face as he kicked and screamed at Karkat. Karkat lost his grip and John jumped up, stumbling on his first step and falling to the ground in front of his shirt. Still sobbing, he grabbed his shirt and boxers and ran out of Karkat's room.

Karkat sat staring at his door, worried about John but too afraid to go after him. He finally decided he needed to talk to his matesprit and got up to go to his room.

When Karkat knocked on John's door, he heard a yelp. It made him cringe to think that he could scare his matesprit this much just from- wait, why was he scared of Karkat? When he received no answer from his knock, he tried the door. Locked. He stepped back and braced himself, running his shoulder into the door with a loud bang. John jumped, letting out a panicked shriek. Karkat finally got the door open and walked slowly inside. John was curled up on his bed, hiding his face in his hands and shaking like a leaf.

"John?" At the mention of his name, the boy flinches. Karkat takes another step forward and tries again. "John? What is it?" John peeked out from behind his hands, looking at Karkat. "Just-" John's voice was weak, and he cleared his throat. "Just... memories..." Karkat looked at the ground. "Oh," He walked over to the bed slowly, sitting down next to John. "You remember when I told you about that nightmare where you...raped me..?" Karkat nodded, and John laid his head in Karkat's lap, letting him pet his messy black hair. "Yeah..."

"I was... remembering that..." Karkat's heart sank. "John, I would never do anything to hurt you, and if you didn't want this, then I would understand." John shook his head, getting up and turning around to kiss Karkat. Karkat closed his eyes, his hands still in the other boy's hair. Karkat fell back on the bed, John on top of him. John ran one of his hands down Karkat's chest, making him purr.

They heard the door slam shut followed by frustrated mumbling. John and Karkat scrambled to get the rest of their clothes on, since they were only in their boxers. Karkat walked out to the living room, telling John to stay in bed for a few minutes so he could talk to Dave.

John could hear them talking, but didn't know what they were saying. From the sound of it though, Karkat was pretty annoyed. John opened his door, hoping Karkat wouldn't care if he was listening in.

"Jesus Dave, how do you expect me to act when you keep coming home drunk?"

"Like it's none of your fuching busness." Dave slurs, and Karkat sighs.

"You can't be around John if you're going to be drunk all of the time. The last thing he needs right now is to deal with your drunk ass problems."

"I can deal with myshelf thank you."

"Sure you can, God dammit Dave, just go to bed. I'll bring you some asprins in a few hours okay?"

"Whatever."

You heard footsteps approaching and shut your door. Seconds later, Dave doesn't even bother to knock as he enters your room. As he approaches you, you can smell the alcohol on his breath and wonder with a sickening gag just how drunk he is. "Hey Egderp. Can I sit?" You nod and he stumbles over to the bed, plopping down next to you and putting an arm around you.

"You little fucker." Wait, what?

"W-what...?"

"You heard me, you little fucker." Dave giggles and John can't believe what he's hearing.

"Dave..."

"Shut up. You know, this is all your fault," He gestures around the room, "We're stuck here because of you. The trolls were only fucked over because of you. You just had to play that game. I only played it for you, you know. And what did it get me? I lost my fucking brother. Rose lost her mom. It's all your fault, you're just a huge fuck up, you get it yet? Or are you more stupid than I thought?"

John just sits there in stunned silence. He feels like crying, but no tears come. It feels as though his very soul is screaming and crying in torment.

Dave gets up, smirking down at John as he leaves, disappearing behind his door with a laugh. Karkat shows up not 2 minutes later. "Hey John, what's up? I heard you talking to someone. Was it Da-"

You can't look at him. You just stare straight ahead, Dave's words ringing in your head.

"John? John what's wrong?"

Nothing.

"John!"

John sits on his bed, unresponsive, unblinking. Karkat looks close to tears as he sits on the bed next to his matesprit and hugs him close. John doesn't even notice.


End file.
